Since the time I was thirteen until two years ago, my life has been consumed with church activities. Whether it was singing in the choir, teaching Bible studies and Sunday School, or greeting visitors, I was always at church helping with something. Stephen was so involved in church as a teenager that he was there probably an average of 5 nights a week. It was just what we did. Church involvement was our life, and it was a source of much fulfillment. I never saw it changing, but it has. Somewhere in the mix of living an hour away from San Francisco Lighthouse (our church of choice) and getting married, and then now of course having an infant, we have completely stopped helping and/or participating in church activities. We attend Sunday service irregularly and that's about it.
Does this bother me?? Yes. Not that our salvation or our relationship with Christ is based on our church involvement, but so much of me misses those times. But I'm nervous. I'm scared of getting involved head-over-heels again, only to trick myself into thinking that as long as I am involved in these activities, I'm Good (see video - funny stuff!http://imgood.me/2010/03/im-a-good-person-what-more-do-you-want/). I WANT JESUS. JUST JESUS. Not religion. Not show. Not church. For so long there were so many other things in my life that, looking back, I think that I thought were Jesus. But I was wrong, and now I'm hungry. Really hungry.
The other side to this is that I realize that going to church and being involved in a community of believers encourages and helps us to grow. There is no doubt about it. But honestly, Stephen and I both are scared shirt-less of getting involved in any church besides SFL, and SFL being an hour away, it's not so practical when you have a 3-month old. But speaking of that 3-month old, I want so badly for her to grow up with a solid group of believers - with the right influences, you know? I want her to learn to pray, and to trust God for everything - not just from us, because I truly believe it takes a community to raise a child right. (Lots of "buts" here!)
Lord please lead our little family. Open the doors You want us to walk through. Help me to be open. Tear down this wall I have constructed.
Feeling Stuck but Hopeful,
Em
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Oh Emily. This made me cry. I have felt this way so many times. Even living 10 mins from church and being the youth pastors wife, I sometimes feel so far away from the the old me and great amount of activity I was able to offer....not that I would want to trade my babies or really go back to that, but still those were good times. Now, I barely am able to enjoy a service and NEVER make it to much else besides Sun AM and Wed PM {even if Brandon is preaching on Sun PM, I still can't make it thanks to the kiddos}.
ReplyDeleteBut I understand your desire. I want Jesus too. More than anything. And I want my kids to want Him. Its very important to me. So I keep trying. Don't give up. I'm praying for you that you find the right place to worship for your little family and that you find the right balance of involvement.
and oh boy aren't you glad you got a book? haha! sheesh I'm such a loser.
xoxo
I keep telling myself that life is full of seasons, and right now I'm in the season of life that includes childbearing, and raising and training my kids. This means I can't be as involved at church as I used to be and probably will be again, when my kids are older. I want them to see me involved and active but right now, they need ME. Parents are the kids' first teachers about the Bible, God, etc. so I don't want to pass this on to anyone else. I don't know if this helps you....this is just a season of life that you're in right now. Be who your husband and baby need you to be RIGHT NOW and like Amy said, just keep that desire for God in your heart and alive in your family. One day you'll be in a different season and will probably be more involved in a church...your family, too.
ReplyDeleteGirl, I totally know what you mean. I think that I averaged about 4-5 days a week between youth prayer, singing, classes, regular services etc. Right now I just sing, every other Sunday. However, to be really honest, right now I love it. This way I can put more into one thing and yet, on the days when I'm not singing, I can get more out of the service. I used to say YES to everything that was asked of me and would end up feeling exhausted and not able to give my very best to EACH and EVERY task I undertook.
ReplyDeleteAs far as having an infant, I couldn't tell you about that one..hehe...I can only imagine life gets busier and busier when you have little ones. I think Jesus would be happy to know that you want JUST Him. THat's what it's all about right. Life is a journey, and He will definitely open the right doors for you. It's nice to know that we don't really have to worry about it, He sees us and He knows His plans for us. :) Just remember, you are not in this boat alone..there are alot of us that feel this way...
@Amy...now I guess I'm a loser too for writing a book. LOL
Thank you all so much - Amy, SoShawna, and Danae. God knows I need my friends so much right now, and it's so nice to know that you all understand.
ReplyDeleteAnd by the way...I LOVE the books :)
How funny that you wrote this Emi. This past Sunday I was at Lighthouse and I couldn't help but to remember that you're the one who brought me there and I missed you!! I know that it is a scary religious world out there and I'd be iffy about attending a new place, but visiting a church for the worship service might help to fill a little bit of the missing piece? You know, that way you don't stay for the sermon ( just download Jeff's off itunes ). I really really miss seeing you at church all the time if it means anything. When I think SFL I think back to Saturday nights when you would pick me up at my apartment and we'd head over there and sit in a circle with the lights dimmed. I remember Rose totally intrigued me into going because she said they were having artist display their work! But you were the one who helped me to get out of the house and make my peace with God and everything that meant. So if it makes you feel any better, know that you have brought many souls to God through because of your service to his community, but in every time of transition, and I can only imagine how great of a transistion moving, marriage, and baby must be, there is that uncomfortable space again where maybe we need to cry out to Jesus again, just to align ourselves properly. We remind ourselves that transitional spaces are unfamiliar and uncomfortable, but ultimately ( and I have to tell myself this a hundred times a day sometimes ) we can feel very very safe if we relax and trust God to guide us in the way that is best for us, and not in the way we might imagine it ourselves. If he is the one steering the boat, as much as I might want to jump in and take the wheel, I know it's better if I sit back and try to enjoy where he takes me as best as I can, reminding myself to trust. It might be a fun idea to have you or Steve read bible verses outloud at home with the three of you hanging out together as a family, maybe playing baby worship songs? You know.. be creative. Love you!!
ReplyDelete@Cristina: Thanks hun. And you are absolutely right. I need to step back and realign myself in trusting God, and just TRUST. You are an amazing friend and I hope you know how much I value you.
ReplyDeleteSeasons come and go.
ReplyDeleteFind a source of fullfilment and insight for your life and your marriage - as soon as you can.
Like one of your friends mentioned, go to a few services. We call it "church shopping". You might be suprised at whats out there.
Hang in there, you will make it through this season, and you'll be stronger for it. Just make sure you and your hubby are being sustained spiritually so you can be a strength for your baby.
Thoughts are with you!
J