Twitching

So I've had a lot on my mind lately. Not that I have ever not had a lot on my mind. I guess it comes with womanhood. When I try to explain to Stephen what the inside of my brain sounds like, he tells me to, "just think of nothing. Think of blackness. Like a cave." Ha!!! Right. I can think of that black cave of nothingness for a split second...just until all of those deep, meaningful (and yes sometimes irrational) monsters of thoughts start peeping their little heads out through the darkness. Then it's all over.


I haven't been writing though, because honestly I cannot seem to organize my thoughts. They're a jumbled mess. So today I decided to just start writing and, well, whatever comes of this will just be.


I've been working 10-12 hours a week. My MIL drives all the way up from Panoche (yes, this is a town in California. If you look it up, you'll probably see my in-law's house, cause I'm pretty sure they are the only people who live there. ha!!) It's a two-hour drive. She loves and is AMAZING with Sydney. Syd literally squeals when she sees her Grandma. Somehow though, I have this pressing urge to rush home after my 3 hour shifts. Why don't I ever do something for myself? Anyone who knows me knows that my nails could certainly use some tender loving care. Or why not go to Borders for some uninterrupted reading time? I have been dying to read that new Tori Spelling book and all...(Yes, I'm serious. Except for I already read it.)

Last week I realized that although I've had a bit of time away from the baby when I'm at work, I have yet to do anything at all for myself and have been, in essence, working an extremely tiring job 24/7. I suppose that is why I've been feeling so Zombie-ish after all. And why I've been randomly bursting into tears. And why I've been feeling less and less capable. And why I can't seem to keep up with the housework.

So I decided to actually use the day and a half or so a week I have of childcare to relax and take some time for myself. Because a mommy who does not feel good cannot be a good mommy, right?

In my newly-decided efforts to take some time for myself, I left Syd with my good friends Sarah and Rose last Sunday (Steve was away on a fishing trip) so that I could go get a mani/pedi. This whole leaving my child thing takes a lot of emotional strength. Not that I don't trust you Sarah and Rose - I know you two are perfectly capable to care for my Squid, and that you love her dearly. There's just something inside me that burns, that twitches, that does something strange and inexplicable when I'm away from her. I suppose I've gotten more used to leaving her with my MIL when I work, but I really haven't left her with anyone else besides my mom and sis a couple of times. So I was already feeling itchy (for lack of a better word), and then to make matters worse, the baby was fussing in her crib when I left. My child is the most un-cuddly baby ever made and she refuses to be rocked/cuddled to sleep, which means she usually cries herself to sleep. As painful as this is for me, I see no other solution. Anyway, when I was leaving Sarah asked if she should rock her. I promtly answered, "nope she won't let you - she'll push you away."

Within ten minutes of me leaving the house, I get a text from Sarah saying that she rocked and sang to her and that IT WORKED. She fell asleep. Wow this is great news, right?! I fell apart. Yup, I BAWLED uncontrollably at the gas station down the street. I couldn't get over the thought that there must be something wrong with me, that I must be a horrible and incapable mother if I cannot comfort my own child to sleep but another can.

Have any of you other moms had a similiar experience??

I was devastated. Then I called my sister and she talked me back down to reality (thank God for a sister who has already had two kids!!) By the time I got home, I had been convinced of the truth - that my daughter is going to act different with other people, and that she is mostly likely going to act up more for me than for other people. And that is okay, because I am a great mother who has a unique and uncomparable relationship with her child.

Wow. Do I sound like a blubbering mess? I'm happy to say that I'm at least a little closer back down to earth today, thanks to the support of an amazing husband, faithful friends, and understanding family. Mostly though, I have found an insane amount of comfort in my Jesus. Yes, He's mine :)

Talk about a crazy ride this parenting thing is...but oh so worth it. I've said it before but I'll say it again - I have NEVER known true grace like I do now. Thank you Jesus.


Here are some recent pics of Sydney I wanted to share. I hope everyone's having a great Thursday!

(Oh, one quick p.s. to this post directed to SARAH DAWN: I will not allow you to feel bad or apologize for the text that made me fall apart. There was no wrong done on your part - just insecurities on my part. Thank you for helping me to do some soul-searching. You are a wonderful Auntie to my baby girl :)

She loves carrots, and food in general...looks like booby milk may just be on it's way out the door!

Sandy came to visit - Syd loves her!

My Dashing Diva

Such a little ham!

Per Sarah, this is her "Old Man Smile"

Inspired

Hello friends! I've really truly missed blogging over the past couple of weeks. Syd and I went out of town to visit my family for Mother's Day and my nephew's birthday, and then I unfortunately caught some kind of flu/cold bug the last day we were there and have been trying to recuperate ever since. Thankfully Sydney was GREAT on the airplane ride home. I was in a panic because she sounded a little congested that morning and I was certain she was going to have pain from pressure in her ears and that she'd end up screaming the entire way and that the suited-up professionals around me would stab me with their Blackberry stylus's right before they blogged to the world about how they were stuck on a stuffy airplane with an earsplitting infant and over-frazzled mommy. The baby fell asleep as soon as the plane started moving and didn't make a peep the rest of the trip. Talk about wasting energy on worrying, huh?! 


Anyway, our trip was wonderful. I'll post pictures as soon as my Bro in Law Pat (PATRICK THIS MEANS YOU!!!) sends me the ones he took. Pat is a great photographer and always captures the best pictures of the little ones. He's had a lot of practice :)


I wanted to write this post to express my renewed excitement about...fitness!!!! My friend Brian Nunez who also happens to be my boss is the most physically fit person I know. We're not just talking about bench-pressing some high numbers here people. Watch the video below to get an idea of the kind of stuff this guy can do. Believe me, NON of this is remotely easy, and it all takes a ton of strength and core stability. 


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=obdNewVEF_Q


Isn't this stuff out-of-this-world cool? And yes, I've mentioned it to him that he could probably make a nice chunk of money traveling with the circus, but I think he's happy being a trainer and Fitness Manager for now :) 


Oh, I just found out that next week, Brian will be taking some video clips of myself and some other trainers at the gym in order to promote personal training...so I'll be posting that when it's done as well!


Needless to say, I am incredibly inspired once again to keep working my way back up there and beyond (up there meaning where I was pre-baby). I am pushing myself to do some things I've never tried before, and I'm super excited to take on the challenge. This means conquering some of the fears that come with thinking I am unable to do something.


I'm  proud to say that I took a first step in my conquest by going rock climbing. If you  have never tried it, PLEASE DO! What a rush...I am hoping to keep at it and work my way up to the top (literally!)


For any of you who live near a Planet Granite, I promise you it's worth it to check it out. Here's a pic of some of their walls (note: these are the 60 ft walls - I've only climbed the 40 ft walls so far.)

So I'm eager to hear...anyone have any new/fun fitness trends or routines you're into? Leave a comment. I'd love to hear about it!

Okay Mom - I Get It

Steve and I had a great beach fishing day planned for Saturday. The baby decided to refuse to take a nap, or to eat, or to do anything else normal infants do. So I’m on a BUSY beach in Santa Cruz with my boobs hanging out, frantically trying to get her to nurse so she’ll calm her down (yes, my modesty flew right out of the window in the midst of the chaos) . Needless to say we left before we were able to catch anything.

On Sunday, we decided to take a walk on a local trail. Our child had other plans. Syd decided that she hated the jogging stroller. By hated I mean despised, loathed…the I-will-scream-so-loud-the-world-will-think-I’m-abused-if-you-put-me-in-that-thing kind of hate. Our trip was once again cut short.

For the past two weeks, Syd has woken up every two hours during the night. I am SEVERELY sleep-deprived.

…and my heart is swelling with a love beyond description for my child. It is truly indescribable. In the midst of frustration and sleepless nights, I can honestly say that I would give my right arm, or my left foot, or my life to ensure my baby’s happiness.

(Okay, I have to be honest and say that Sydney is a super good baby – not near the villain I’ve made her out to be J …but as you can see, she has her moments!!!!)

A few nights ago I found myself unable to sleep, just staring at my sleeping baby. My thoughts were consumed with my adoration for her. I thought of how much I wanted her to be happy, but how I know that I won’t always be able to make that happen for her. How will I deal with her first broken heart when she starts dating? How will I handle her struggling with life and with hard decisions? How will I even handle it when she gets the flu for the first time?

A friend of mine recently said that having a kid is like, “having your heart walking around outside of your body.” Wow is this true. Sound painful? It can be, and I know it will only get harder as mine is not even walking yet…sheesh she just barely learned to roll!! She is my priority, my focus, and yeah – my heart.

With all of this in mind, I can’t help but think of my Mom’s love for me. Wow. All this time she’s loved me this much?? I can remember times when I was small when she’d tell me I’d only understand her love for me when I had my own child. It is only now after 27 years of life that I truly understand why she has made the decisions she has made for me. It is only now that I understand the extent of her sacrifice over the years.

My Mother is the most selfless person you could ever meet. She is happy when her kids are happy, and she has done everything in her power to ensure that have had every opportunity we could have.

I’ve often wondered how you did it Mom – I’ve spent loads of time thinking about how difficult it must have been for you to raise us three kids while having a career. What about the things you wanted? Didn’t you ever just want to quit and take care of you for once? I remember trying to get you to buy something for yourself when we were little. I didn’t get it – didn’t you want things for yourself?  Why did you always insist on us getting what we wanted instead?

Okay Mom I get it. The love you have for me, and for Juli and Jesse, has surpassed every other emotion and desire you ever had. That’s how you raised us with so much love and care while dealing with the other stressors in your life.

I have not been able to shake the thought lately…my Mom loves me this much.

So Mom – thank you. I am sorry for the times I’ve taken you for granted. I am sorry for the times I’ve argued with you. I am sorry for being stubborn and inconsiderate of your feelings. I love you so much.

Loved,

Em

Confession (Minus the Holy Water)

Being a non-Catholic and all, I’ve never actually gone to confession, although I imagine it would be quite therapeutic. Maybe I’ll go someday – just for fun. I feel like peeling back a layer today, so here’s my version of going to confession – without the holy water though, cause you never know who’s peed in it.

-I run from making new commitments for fear of failure or letting people down.

-I have a habit of biting the skin around my nails so much that they often bleed.

-I don’t like clothes. The thought of living in Hawaii and wearing only a bathing suit and flip flops for the rest of my life sounds ideal.

-I went through a period of time during Bible College when I didn’t believe in God. I was too ashamed to tell anyone, and it was the most scary, hopeless feeling I’ve ever experienced.

-I can type about 85 WPM and have so much fun doing so that I’ve often thought about how great it would be to be a typist who is required to create the captions for the deaf on TV (if that was even a real job. I’m sure it’s done electronically, right?)

-Michelle Duggar is one of my current idols.

-Paula Abdul was my one-and-only childhood idol. Too bad she didn’t last on AI L

-I love my family so much that it sometimes hurts. I feel pain seeing them or thinking about them going through a hardship or a low in their lives. This is one reason why I do better emotionally not living near them.

-I almost always have chocolate hidden from my husband in secret spots around the house.

Did you learn something new about me? I’d like to learn something new about all of you blog-readers (since I know there are droves of you out there, just continuously refreshing this page until I write a new post. Right?!) Want to go to confession?? Feel free to leave a comment J

Happy Thursday,

Em

Learning

“I am learning that most things in life that are worth doing aren't going to be easy. Yet my flesh—my lazy, insolent, ugly flesh—continually hangs onto the thought that it should be easy.”

This quote from my devotion this morning hit me pretty hard. So often I feel the obvious, LOUD, but ever-so-gentle voice of God to submit myself a little – to turn off the Friends reruns and read the Bible for instance. Wow. What a concept. Being an ex-Bible college student and all, you’d think I’d have that one down!! Ha! Nope. Why do I fight so hard against the things I know are good for me? Will this always be a constant struggle? And what is so stinking hard about it anyway?

Sometimes I wish this whole seeking-God thing could be confined to popping some kind of a pill, or checking a box and clicking “submit”. I realize that sounds horrible, but it’s the truth. I’m programmed to want a program. But God cannot and will not be confined to my earthly, clean and tidy space I have made for Him. His ways, and His plans for us, are so far beyond what we could ever imagine. He wants to do in us and through us that thing – the one that has seemed so far away and so impossible.

The most intimate, beautiful, knock-my-socks-off moments I’ve had with Jesus have been the unexpected ones. I can think of times when I’d been holding on so tightly to my agenda and to what I thought should happen, only to be completely thrown off track and upside down because I couldn’t possibly hold on any longer – He changed me.

Freshman year at Bible School: I dressed the part, I talked the part, I truly thought I had it down. I loved God. I wanted His will, which of course was to follow the rules I’d been taught and marry a handsome preacher who would lead the cute little family we’d make into preachers-family bliss. People, let me tell you – I was thrown wayyyy off track. It all started in a Theology class with Dr. Segraves. We were going through the Book of Romans when suddenly the light came on and I realized that nothing I could DO would save me. Jesus had paid the price and I was saved by grace through faith.  It was undeniable. I was and always will be unworthy. I cannot save myself like I had been trying to for so long.

The journey to really, truly having faith – the kind of faith that allows you to lay down your misconceptions and preconceived ideas about God and simply trust – that has been and still is a long one.

I am so thankful that God does not fit in the box I have constructed for Him, cause it’s a pretty small one, and not anywhere near worthy of His kindness, grace, patience, love, and majesty.

 “What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? Or don't you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.

 If we have been united with him like this in his death, we will certainly also be united with him in his resurrection. For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with,^[a] that we should no longer be slaves to sin— because anyone who has died has been freed from sin.
 Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him.¹The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God.
 In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. ¹Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. ¹Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace.”
-Romans 6:1-14

Lord please help me to lay myself down and be willing to give in to what You have for me daily.

Eucalyptus and Chocolate

So this weekend I had my first night away from The Squid - she survived and, thankfully, I did too. Stephen and I went to Saratoga for our 2 year wedding anniversary. I'll admit - Saratoga is approximately 10 minutes from our place, but it still counts as getting away!! I had picked a hotel I randomly found on the net pretty much solely because they had a "Wine-Lovers Package" that was a good deal. Not only am I a sucker for wine as I'm mentioned before, but I am a sucker for a good deal. I'm the type of person who will proudly tell you that I only paid a dollar for my shirt at a thrift store if you tell me you like my outfit. Anyway, I was a bit leery of what our room would look like and, lo and behold, it was BEAUTIFUL! Huge, newly furnished, and equipped with a kitchenette, dining table, steam shower, fire place, and...get this...a bidet. Have you ever used one of those things? I have to admit that I spent lots of refreshing time on that toilet! Good stuff. 


Our hotel package (Saratoga Oaks Lodge btw) included complimentary wine tasting at two nearby wineries as well as a "Private Eucalyptus Steam Treatment" at Harmony European Day Spa. We were both not sure of what to expect with this one. This equaled excitement for me and not-so-excited for my loving husband. It didn't help matters when the receptionist brought him a bathrobe and told him to undress. ha! He was mumbling on and on about how I "always get him into these crazy situations". In the end, though, it was really just a private steam shower with a Eucalyptus scent, and I really think he'd admit it wasn't so bad :) 


The grand finale of our weekend was definitely dinner at La Fondue. They bring you the cheese fondue of your choice with lots of veggies, fruits, and bread for dipping. Then you get to choose from a list of just about any kind of meat imaginable, and you cook it on a little grill right there at your table (no discount for having to cook your own meat - shucks.) Really though, this part makes the dinner interactive and more of an experience than just a dinner. We ate shark, wild boar, antelope, and alligator. The wild boar was awesome - the rest I could probably live without, but it was fun to try nonetheless. Best part of La Fondue??? THE CHOCOLATE FONDUE. We had dark chocolate mixed with Grand Marnier. The goodies for dipping were: 


strawberries
bananas
grapes
dried cherries
apples
rice krispie treats
snickers bars
cookie dough
cream puffs
cinnamon cheesecake


NO JOKE. You all seriously have to get to this restaurant someday...I don't care how you get there...just get there. 


Needless to say, we both ate an overly excessive amount of food. Oh well - all for a good cause, right?! Not really. Wish I could say that :) 


Oh, in closing I wanted to give you a Sydney Update:


-She is now reaching for and grasping items. Her favs so far are the little monkey toys on her play mat, her binky, and my hair. 
-She sat in her Bumbo for the first time last night. She's not so thrilled about it yet (see the arm flailing?), but we'll work on that :) Here she is (excuse the horrible picture - it's from my phone.)

Love and Chocolate,


Em

Some Good Pics, a Happy Easter, and Such

Wow. This week has been adventurous...and I guess a little confusing for Syd (see above pic to get a better idea of her utter bewilderment).

I went back to work (AND left the baby overnight while we celebrated our 2^nd wedding anniversary – more on that tomorrow.) Yep – went back to work just twelve hours a week. It’s just enough time for me to feel like I have something of my own going on without missing the baby too too much. Stephen’s mom Janice is watching Syd while I’m gone. She is AMAZING with her and it’s easy to tell that this child is always going to have a strong attachment to her Grandma.

I was a bit worried about the whole bottle situation, because Sydney sometimes refuses to take one. The transition went smoothly for the most part. I say for the most part, because when I come home at about 7:30 from my evening shifts, she is plain ‘ol MAD at me. And she doesn’t try to hide it. On Tuesday, I could hear her hollering when I got out of the car in the driveway. When I came in and tried to feed her, she would suck a few times, then look me straight in the eyes and yell for a few seconds, then suck again. This child actually tells me off.  How dare I take those precious milk-making boobies away from her for three whole hours?!?!…oh God please save me from her teenage years.

Something else that's been on my mind...

Little did I know how familiar I would become with bodily fluids. Sydney is a “projectile-puker”. Any of you moms have one of those babies? Steve and I fight over who has to hold her after she eats, cause half of what she just ate is sure to come right back up, and you never know where it’ll land.

And then there’s the poop…the exploding poop that somehow seems to miss the diaper and completely cover her outfit. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I can’t get too excited about a cute new outfit I put on her, as it won’t last long. Here she is waiting for me to get her bath ready after one such incident…

Honestly though, the bodily fluids seem to bother Steve a whole lot more than they bother me. I realized this the other night when he asked me if I thought I could wash our sheets the next day. “Why??” I asked, “I just washed them.” He went on to remind me that the baby had puked and peed on them numerous times within the last 24 hours. Hmmmm…hadn’t thought of that.

On to more pleasant issues…

Sydney’s had her first Easter!!! She was so beautiful in her dress (that took me all day on Saturday to find btw, and it still wasn’t really what I was looking for. I think the retail world forgot about Easter this year.) She loved the dress anyway…sucked on the big white bow almost all day.

We went to church at SFL and Syd had the time of her life being passed around and held by so many people. She even stayed awake for two hours without getting fussy J

 Syd with Hannah - looking a little concerned for some reason, but I promise she loved you Hannah!

Syd with Danae

Lovin' Cristina and "Ria"

First Easter as a family of three :)

Anyway, that’s all for now… I just wanted to show you all some cute pics and give an update on our weekend/week. I hope all of you had a great Easter (I’m late, I know!)

Happy Sunday,

Em