"Shwillie" - Dedicated to My Almost-8-Year-Old Nephew

This post is dedicated to William Tito Arreola - my almost-8-year-old nephew. I had originally wanted to save this one until his birthday, which is May 6th, but just couldn't wait. 

Willie was the first grandchild born into the Abercrombie family. Before my sister Juli gave birth to this beautiful baby boy, things were a lot different in our lives. Sure, we loved each other and shared some great, close moments, but something was lacking.

Pre-Willie, a Sunday evening in our home looked something like this:

Dad: Watching TV downstairs (hunting and fishing shows or Emeril to be exact!)

Mom: Making dinner and then reading or correcting her students’ papers.

Juli: Out with friends…oh the days, huh sis?!

Jesse: Playing video games or his drums (oohhhhhh his drums…those freaking LOVELY drums!!)

Me: On the phone with friends or at church.

Post-Willie, Sunday evenings at my parents’ house looked like this:

All of us sitting in the living room upstairs (TV off, mind you) watching Willie dance on the coffee table in his diaper…or cheering him on as he learned to take his first steps…or sharing stories of the irresistibly cute things he had done the day before.

Little did we know the impact this roly-poly bundle of blonde love would have on our family. After Willie was born, there was a huge difference in all of our relationships. Around the time he was one or so, I stepped back and realized that we were no longer solely focused on our own agendas. He was our glue. We all fell so head-over-heels in love with this child and through him were able to relate more to each other, learn more about each other, and therefore appreciate each other a whole lot more.

I adore this kid. He has an innate ability to make you feel loved and special, and we should all learn from his sincerity. To tell you the truth, his looming eighth birthday has me feeling a bit nervous. EIGHT YEARS OLD??!! That is just a bit too close to those dreaded teenage years. Part of me wishes he would always stay a baby (he’s still a baby, right?!), but I am also excited to see him grow up.

Just a few cute little things about this special little boy I’d like to record so that when he’s “all growed up”, we don’t forget his cute little kid-ness…

**He does and always has called me “Aunt” – I’m pretty sure he didn’t know my actual name until he was five. I nixed “Auntie” for fear of being called “Auntie Em” way before he was born.

**He loves, I mean LOVES sugar…it’s an I-don’t-care-if-my-teeth-rot-out-of-my-head kind of love. This child has been able to eat an entire landfill of bubblegum flavored Coldstone ice cream all by himself since he was three (um, not that I have EVER let him do that Juli J )

**He has a whole series of great adventure stories named after him and his little brother Taylor. These boys love to be told stories, so one night we created the “Shwillie and Shwaylor” stories. You know he’s been hanging out with Aunt a little too long when he starts calling his mom “shwom” and his dad “shwad”.

**He has moves – somehow he can dance like he’s had lessons. I will forever have pictures in my head of him break-dancing to “I’m Bringing Sexy Back” on New Year’s Eve 2006. In fact, Willie was the shining star of mine and Steve’s wedding reception. Once he saw we had music, a dj and a dance floor, he couldn’t wait to get out there – danced until he was covered in sweat and entertained us all the whole night!

Dear Shwillie:

Know that you can do whatever you decide you want to do in life if you put your whole heart into it. Listen to your Dad and Mom’s advice. Learn from your Grammy and Pa. Try not to make the mistakes you will see me make. Learn how to be an amazing daddy like your daddy. Learn how to love and give freely of yourself like your Mommy and Grammie Glenda. Learn how to work and play hard like your Pa, Uncle Jesse, and Uncle Steve.  Be true to yourself. You are an individual and God has given you special talents and gifts. By being yourself, as you have made so many peoples lives brighter already!

Oh, and please, please don’t ever stop letting me give you hugs and kisses! …and holding my hand while I read you stories.

Love,

Aunt (A.K.A. Shant)

Oooo I wish I could squeeze his baby cheeks again!!!

Loved getting his picture taken :) 

He's about three in this pic...still lovin' the camera.

Willie and me playing in the waves in Hawaii

Cowboy!

Dancing...

Sportin' the camo

Willie and Syd - they love each other!

My sis Juli with her hubby Pat and kids Willie and Taylor.

That Rock and That Hard Place

Since the time I was thirteen until two years ago, my life has been consumed with church activities. Whether it was singing in the choir, teaching Bible studies and Sunday School, or greeting visitors, I was always at church helping with something. Stephen was so involved in church as a teenager that he was there probably an average of 5 nights a week.  It was just what we did. Church involvement was our life, and it was a source of much fulfillment. I never saw it changing, but it has. Somewhere in the mix of living an hour away from San Francisco Lighthouse (our church of choice) and getting married, and then now of course having an infant, we have completely stopped helping and/or participating in church activities. We attend Sunday service irregularly and that's about it.

Does this bother me?? Yes. Not that our salvation or our relationship with Christ is based on our church involvement, but so much of me misses those times. But I'm nervous. I'm scared of getting involved head-over-heels again, only to trick myself into thinking that as long as I am involved in these activities, I'm Good (see video - funny stuff!http://imgood.me/2010/03/im-a-good-person-what-more-do-you-want/). I WANT JESUS. JUST JESUS. Not religion. Not show. Not church. For so long there were so many other things in my life that, looking back, I think that I thought were Jesus. But I was wrong, and now I'm hungry. Really hungry.

The other side to this is that I realize that going to church and being involved in a community of believers encourages and helps us to grow. There is no doubt about it. But honestly, Stephen and I both are scared shirt-less of getting involved in any church besides SFL, and SFL being an hour away, it's not so practical when you have a 3-month old. But speaking of that 3-month old, I want so badly for her to grow up with a solid group of believers - with the right influences, you know? I want her to learn to pray, and to trust God for everything - not just from us, because I truly believe it takes a community to raise a child right. (Lots of "buts" here!)

Lord please lead our little family. Open the doors You want us to walk through. Help me to be open. Tear down this wall I have constructed.

Feeling Stuck but Hopeful,

Em

All About Hoodies...

Check out my friend Amy's blog and Etsy Shop!! She sells BEAUTIFUL embellished hoodies for adults and children, and the Grand Opening of her Etsy Shop is tonight at 7pm. My favorite is The Kate...

http://www.miraflorfamily.blogspot.com/

http://www.etsy.com/shop/evystree

Weekend Fun...Minus the Fish

If any of you know Stephen, you know that he LOVES TO FISH...and by love, I mean the real, true kind of love - like the love someone has for their wife for instance. Except more.

Our last two weekends have been filled with lots of fishing and zero catching. Unfortunately, my dear husband has been absolutely unable to snag one of those slippery buggars. He claims someone has placed a curse on him. Now why would anyone ever do something so mean and evil?? (haha hehe hoohoo).

Anyway, although we haven't been successful in our fishing efforts, we have had a great time on the boat. Last weekend, we went to Lake Sonoma with our close friends Mark, Damariz, and their two-year-old boy Marky. Here's Marky expressing his deepest regrets for having to wear his life jacket. Poor lad. 

He did eventually get over it and was happy to help "Uncle Steeb" drive the boat, as you can see here:

On our camping trip to Lake Sonoma, Syd loved being outside and was content all weekend long. Her nickname being "Squid" and all, we naturally can assume she will like all things having to do with water. She especially loved being on the boat. This is her "letting the wind blow through her hair".

For some reason, though, Squid had a strong change of feelings about the boat this weekend. Stephen and I went to Lake Del Valle in Livermore yesterday and she screamed 80% of the time. WOW does sound carry when you're on a boat in the middle of a lake! I say "for some reason", but in all reality I know it was a result of us waking her up two hours earlier than she is used to waking up. So, Daddy...we might just have to be okay with letting those famous early morning fishies get away from us from now on. Sorry babe!


***Special thanks to Amy Miraflor for teaching me how to position my pictures correctly - they look so much better now!***



p.s. The picture at the top of this post is actually of a fish I caught a while back - cute, huh?!

Change

Change. Wow – I have really changed a lot over the past few years. Life in general has changed a lot. I’ve made decisions that have led me down a much different path than the one I used to anticipate walking. We are all constantly making important, life-altering decisions that will determine the next path we walk. What are my priorities? Where is my focus? I find myself asking these questions, seeking God for help with the answers, and for help changing when the answers aren’t what they should be. More now than ever, this journey of life is so very thrilling.

To name a few of the changes in my life…

In January of 2002, I moved to Stockton, California to attend Christian Life College. I had lived in the same house with the same neighbors and attended school with the same classmates since I was five. I’m from a small “Cow Town” twenty-two miles north of Seattle where you can sometimes hear roosters crow, and where – yes – there are real live cows (that was for you Sarah Dawn :). So besides the traveling I did through Bible Quizzing (which was a great experience by the way), I hadn’t seen much of what was out there. The Bible school I attended attracts people from all over the world, so going to college equaled lots of exposure to a lot of different cultures, ways of thinking, personalities, etc. This was great for me – I grew a lot socially and emotionally, as well as spiritually. I even saw a prostitute for the first time!!!! Ha – yeah, that’s downtown Stockton for ya…and, unfortunately, I’ll never forget it.

Throughout my teenage years, I was part of a very conservative church. Looking back, I realize that I based so much of my self-worth on doing everything just right and making sure that I followed the rules. Roughly six years ago, I began really evaluating what I believed and why I believed it. My focus on strictly adhering to a set of rules and regulations had bred an unhealthy view of and relationship to God Himself. I was convinced that I was saved as a result of me doing this or not doing that, rather than understanding that I am saved as a result of what Christ did on the cross. Over the last few years my beliefs have changed. Many of you have seen me go through this change. It has not been an easy one, but it is one I am so glad to have made. This change has resulted in other changes –changes in emotions, changes in social life, and other changes in my way of thinking all together.

On April 4th, 2008, I married Stephen Camera. Being a married woman has been an adjustment, but I have to say that we did not have as many rough patches as you might expect a newly-married couple to have in the first two years. The credit for this goes to Stephen. He is the most forgiving, patient man I know, and he has a way of diffusing the fights that I try to start. This doesn’t mean we don’t drive each other crazy at times. I am cringing right now thinking of some of his annoying unmentionable habits, and I’m sure he’ll be doing the same once he reads this!

Just eleven weeks ago – January 4th, 2010 to be exact – we met our baby girl Sydney Jane. Parenthood has been the most invigorating experience. At times I have felt high…like no matter what goes wrong, I will be ok as long as I have this little miracle in my life. Little “Squid” has made us cry with joy, and then cry with frustration (well, me cry and him grunt…or something like that.) Parenting has been a super difficult change for our relationship. Romantic dates are less often, and when we do get to go out, we talk, think, and wonder about the baby. We’re too stressed with her fussing, or tired with her not sleeping, or just plain focused on her to do considerate things for each other like we used to. At the moment, we are both watching her on the video monitor. She SHOULD be sleeping, but instead our little love bug…the little bundle of joyous energy that she is…is flailing her arms and legs about until she kicks her blankets off and spits her binky out. And of course we simply cannot stand the thought of her catching a bit of a chill, so we take turns marching back in the bedroom to set things back in order. SMART little cookie she is – little turd-burglar. **Dear Grown-Up Sydney: In case you read this in a few years, I meant that with all of the love I could possibly muster. We love you more than words can describe…the term “little turd-burglar” is wrapped in love.** (This paragraph is dedicated to two of my mommy-friends who, judging by their blogs today, totally understand this whole fiasco: Amy and SoShawna.)

Anyway, the fact of the matter is that parenting is not easy.

But anyway, what would we do without her? I cannot imagine life without our Squid, and wouldn’t want to. She has taught us so much already, and I am so excited for every stage of her life. Okay – so what I really mean to say is that this whole thing is a welcome change to our relationship, and that we will figure it out with God’s help…and lots of valium :)

I should be a pro with this whole change thing…we all should. But the fact is that we’re not. We’re all trying to figure things out again and again, day after day. This could be depressing, but I find it exciting. What would life be without the day to day drama of new experiences, good and bad? The unexpected is thrilling, and most-importantly it teaches us to be better people, and to understand a bit more of what God is trying to tell us.

So let’s all press, knowing that the ever-changing details of this journey are worth taking a minute to stop and enjoy.

“I’m not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don’t get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward – to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back.” –Philippians 3: 12-14 (The Message)

And one more appropriate quote, this one not from the Bible…

“There’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose

Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb”
-Miley Cyrus “Climb” lyrics

(My apologies to Rose for the Miley lyrics…they were appropriate, you have to admit.)

Changing and cool with it,

Em

Possible New Endeavor...

I am not creative or crafty in any way. Every time I say that, people try to encourage me..."oh, I'm sure you are and you just don't know it! Give yourself a little bit of credit. " Let's make something clear...not only am I not creative or crafty in any way, but the thought of sewing or painting or creating something with my hands is close to the last thing on earth I would want to do.

If you’ve seen my apartment, you may think that I have some kind of creative decorating ability that I am not disclosing. Fact: when we were buying furniture two years ago, I walked into a showroom, saw a set-up I liked, and said, “I want that” – rug and all. I cheat. My interior decorator-ish sister has ended up picking out pictures, frames, etc. and setting up different areas in our place EVERY time she has come to visit. Oh, and our curtains?? I took my Mother-In-Law to the store with me and asked her what she thought about different colors until she pretty much picked out our curtains for me. So the fact is that I have done virtually nothing…and nor do I want to.

But take note: I have some crazy creative friends who are making jewelry, hoodies, purses, etc that look like they came straight out of a fashion mag. (Check out Amy and Danae’s Etsy shops: http://www.etsy.com/shop/evystree and http://www.etsy.com/shop/featherandbranch) Although it isn’t my thing to make anything like this, it’s definitely my thing to buy them!! The above pictures are of the locket necklace and hoodie I recently purchased from these shops.

Anyway, I say all of that to say that I am thinking of starting something new that will make us some extra mullah, and that has virtually no overhead cost. I would assist people looking for work in writing their resumes and cover letters. This sort of thing comes fairly easy for me. The English language isn’t something I necessarily remember learning much about in school but it has always come naturally to me (don’t ask me what I think about Math, as I would probably develop some sort of permanent heart damage due to stress).

I have Robert Half, International (staffing firm where I worked as a recruiter/staffing manager) to thank for my experience in getting people jobs. Over the two year period of time I worked for them, I transformed many dull, monotonous, unnoticeable resumes and cover letters into tools that got well-deserving folks new jobs.

So…what do you all think? I’m really excited about this. Thank you to my In-Laws Steve and Janice for the idea – I love love love my In-Laws by the way (and no, I am not just saying that in order to rack up more babysitting hours…maybe J ).

Oh the Possibilities,

Em

Happiness Is...

(Wanted this pic at the end of the blog, but couldn't figure out how to get it there without having duplicates on the post - sorry, I am technically challenged!)

It's a gorgeous sunny day, and I am feeling quite chipper (thank you Damariz for visiting – friends like you make a good day gooder). Hehe…why is “gooder” not a word anyway? Seems like a nice enough word to me.

I decided to write a super chirpy, positive post about all of the things in life that make me happy…one of those posts that will make me want to throw something breakable against the wall when I’m having a not-so-chipper day. I’d love to say that looking back on a blog like this would make me feel happy on a bad day, but I know myself too well to say that, and I’m really trying to be honest here!

So here they are, not in any specific order:

Daises. They are so simple, but they are perfect. How many of you have played “he loves me; he loves me not” with these?? I’ve probably done it at least once for each boyfriend I’ve had…and it wasn’t just when I was a kid J

Little kid love. My friend Damariz’s two-year-old boy Markie came over today. As they were leaving my apartment he says, “love you more Emmy”. I say, “no, I love you more Markie.” He responds with, “love you MOST Emmy.” What can possibly be wrong in the world when a perfect little boy “loves you MOST??”

A good glass of wine. If you know me well, you know that I’m a sucker for red wine. I’ll admit that the first time I tried red wine I hated it – probably would have rather drank fingernail polish remover. But what people had told me was true…once you acquire the taste for it, there is no going back. Some of my favorites?? Solaris Merlot, Silver Oak Zinfandel, or generally any super dark cab.

My husband. The other day I was feeling blue and he came and cuddled real close to me on the couch. All of a sudden, all was right in the world. Stephen has a way of helping me to see things simply, rather than complicating issues to a level of chaos.

The gym. I know – some of you may stop reading at this point, believing me mad. There is just something so satisfying about the sweat, the challenge, and the momentary pain in pushing myself to finish that one last rep. I swear – just walking into the gym gives me an automatic boost of Serotonin. Put me on the treadmill or any cardio equipment though, and I will watch the clock until the 30 minutes or so is over…DESPISE those stupid machines.

Those God moments. Do you know what I’m talking about?? …because they are hard to describe. It’s when you open the Bible to read a few scriptures and all of a sudden, something you have read 27 times makes sense. Or when you are just going about your daily routine and, unexpectedly, your heart is filled with faith – the kind of ABSOLUTE faith that causes you to make scary decisions.

My Baby Love. She stops sucking during a nursing session just to give me a huge, toothless grin. She so innocently coos at her sweet little face in the mirror on her swing. She makes my heart flutter every day, even after I’ve changed 10 poopy diapers and wiped up countless piles of puke.

A Happy Mess,

Em

Pressure

Driving back from having lunch with my friend Rose this afternoon, Sydney seemed to all of a sudden forget how to keep the binky in her mouth. She starts to fuss every time it falls out, so I’m driving with one hand and reaching my other arm as far as it can possibly stretch in order to keep it in her mouth. Then we get stuck in traffic and aren’t going over 20 MPH. My baby only likes being in the car if we are going over 45 MPH or so (yes, she is that particular about things.) So…this aggravates her even more. By this time, we have an all-out scream going on, and I start to get REALLY stressed. I feel so much pressure to calm this baby down that I literally start to SWEAT.

Caring for an infant is a whole lot of pressure...I wouldn’t trade it for the world, but it’s true. It’s a whole lot of pressure for me, anyway. In thinking about this, I started reflecting on how much pressure I put on myself, and how much I demand of myself in general. Since childhood, I’ve been a diehard people-pleaser. In fact, I can honestly say that I received very few spankings and little scolding from my parents because I was terrified of displeasing them. As an adult, this tendency has carried over to my friendships and to my marriage. There have been times, friends, where I have held back my true feelings about things in order to avoid making you unhappy. I have worn myself out cleaning the house to perfection, running all of the errands, and making sure that there is dinner on the table in order to please my husband – only to realize that it really doesn’t matter that much to him. All he wants is to spend time with me.

I’ve been asking myself lately, “where on earth does all of this pressure come from?!” Sure, there are experiences I have had that have helped lead me toward these tendencies. For most of my spiritual life, I have had a very legalistic perspective when it comes to the love of God, salvation, etc. True Grace is a relatively new (and very exciting!) concept for me. This is a whole blog in itself (or ten blogs). Ultimately, though, the pressure comes from me and me only. I can choose to succumb to it, or I can choose to align my priorities according to what I know in my sane mind and heart to be true. I can make the conscience decision to let go. We can all make the conscience decision to let go of the unnecessary pressures that take up so much space in our lives. Life’s too short and God’s too good.

“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 2Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” – Matthew 11: 28-30

A Big Butt and the Need for a King-Sized Bed

Ever since I can remember, I have had issues with body image. I have a vivid memory of being twelve years old or so and crying to my mom that I didn’t want to wear my bathing suit in public because my butt was too big. The angst of the whole situation, because I was starting to get hips and my friends were all still little toothpicks, is still so fresh in my mind. Nothing anyone said could make me feel better.

At my pre-pregnancy weight of 122 lbs and 18% body fat, I still didn’t realize that I was a skinny girl until after Sydney was born and I tried on my old clothes…”OMG I fit into THAT?! Whoa I was skinny.”

Recently, having seen my body successfully go through so much in being able to grow, give birth to, and feed a child, I have seen a positive shift in the way I think about my myself physically. Yes, I am still wanting to lose the rest of my baby weight and I am bothered by the fact that I can’t fit into most of my old clothes, but I do have a new appreciation for my body. When I look at Sydney I can’t possibility deny the fact that this body I’ve so often been frustrated with did a pretty great job.

Where does this delusional way of thinking come from? Why has being so thin always been so desirable to me anyway? When I really think about it, I know that it shouldn’t matter as long as I am healthy. I’ve always been able to look at other people who aren’t super thin and think of them as beautiful, so why the warped thinking when it comes to myself? I want so desperately to help Sydney develop a healthy body image. Whatever I can do to help her understand and really live her life in the knowledge that she is beautiful just the way she is, and that she is “fearfully and wonderfully made” by her Creator who loves her beyond comprehension, please God help me to do it!

This topic brings up a related area of concern. I’m addicted to TV!!! I’ve never really had this problem, so I am ashamed to say it, but it’s oh so true. We just got cable when Syd was born. I couldn’t handle the thought of so much time nursing without anything good to watch. Biggest culprits: The Food Network, Friends reruns, Seinfeld, The Office, 19 Kids and Counting, 16 and Pregnant, Ellen, The Today’s Show, and, most importantly, Big Love. Media has to have fed me so much of the garbage that made me so skinny-obsessed as a child. So I am naturally worried about the same for Syd. If that means no more cable for us (*sniff*), then so be it.

*********************************************************************

How does a ten pound child somehow take up so much room in our queen-sized bed?! Our Little Love Bug does pretty well with sleeping in her bassinet, but my laziness often gets the best of me and I don’t always put her back after she wakes up to nurse…so I end up cramped in between my baby and my husband, stiff as a board. I seriously have aches and pains in the morning. (Why don’t I just get up and put her back in her bed??) Anyway, Stephen and I have this ongoing argument because every time I take her to bed to nurse, I nudge him and tell him to scoot over. For the past two months, he’s insisted that he’s on the edge of the bed and can’t possibly move over any more. I’ve never believed him! That crazy husband of mine is just trying to squish me, right?! But the other night, I actually sat up and LOOKED before asking him to move over and, um, HE WAS ABOUT TO FALL OFF OF THE BED. Oops. Poor guy. So I say all of this as an apology to my loving husband, who really hasn’t been trying to suffocate me and his child J

Feeling better to have shared,

Em

My First Ever Blog. Wow.

I’ve been thinking about writing a blog since blogs first started to become popular. When I first heard of them, I figured I’d start one before too long. But I didn’t. Honestly, it has made me nervous. Blogging makes you vulnerable – at least for me it seems to. If I am going to share at all, you are going to see at least parts of the real me. I need to be okay with putting myself out there. I need to be okay with taking risks again. So I’m starting a blog J Thank you to Amy Wollmer Miraflor, SoShawna Foster Gray, and Cheyenne Johnson for inspiring me to do some writing of my own (btw: I read all three of your blogs faithfully – great stuff!)

The question is where to start?!?! Hmm, okay something really random…

We live in a small apartment complex where there are only 6 or so units. Soon after moving in, we briefly met some nice young men who live in one of the units. They were friendly but not too friendly, quiet, and easy-going (perfect neighbors, right?) Before long, we noticed a pretty much ever-present marijuana smell lingering outside around their apartment, then understanding the reason behind them being so chill. This didn’t phase me a bit (always pleasant, never aggressive!) Anyway, around the time I was six months prego, I started noticing this NASTY, stale, rotten, skunk-ish smell around our kitchen and near our hall closets. I thought there was something decomposing in my kitchen, but I couldn’t find anything!! It was driving me batty, but it wasn’t until my smart lil’ bro came and visited that I found out what the smell actually was. He went right to one of our vents and told me, um, sis…your neighbors aren’t just smoking weed. They’re growing it, and the smell is seeping in through the vents! So ever since then the smell has seemed to get worse, and I’m worried about this having some kind of adverse affect on my baby’s lungs. Is that possible??? It’s not smoke coming through the vents; it’s the smell of the marijuana growing. Anyone have an inside scoop on something like this?

Okay totally changing gears…

Today we had Sydney’s baby dedication at church. It was really beautiful. Of course our pastor said touching things, and we were excited to have Steve’s parents there to celebrate with us, and our friends and acquaintances were so sweet in their congratulations and words of encouragement. But the best thing about today was this: I realized that, through my amazing little Baby Girl, God is granting me more courage than I have ever had. Courage to love. Courage to speak up. Courage to serve. Courage to just be me. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined these little “side” gifts that God gives you when He gives you a child. Wow. I am so not worthy, and I am okay with that, because this is all a GIFT.