Thursday, July 1, 2010

Twitching

So I've had a lot on my mind lately. Not that I have ever not had a lot on my mind. I guess it comes with womanhood. When I try to explain to Stephen what the inside of my brain sounds like, he tells me to, "just think of nothing. Think of blackness. Like a cave." Ha!!! Right. I can think of that black cave of nothingness for a split second...just until all of those deep, meaningful (and yes sometimes irrational) monsters of thoughts start peeping their little heads out through the darkness. Then it's all over.


I haven't been writing though, because honestly I cannot seem to organize my thoughts. They're a jumbled mess. So today I decided to just start writing and, well, whatever comes of this will just be.


I've been working 10-12 hours a week. My MIL drives all the way up from Panoche (yes, this is a town in California. If you look it up, you'll probably see my in-law's house, cause I'm pretty sure they are the only people who live there. ha!!) It's a two-hour drive. She loves and is AMAZING with Sydney. Syd literally squeals when she sees her Grandma. Somehow though, I have this pressing urge to rush home after my 3 hour shifts. Why don't I ever do something for myself? Anyone who knows me knows that my nails could certainly use some tender loving care. Or why not go to Borders for some uninterrupted reading time? I have been dying to read that new Tori Spelling book and all...(Yes, I'm serious. Except for I already read it.)

Last week I realized that although I've had a bit of time away from the baby when I'm at work, I have yet to do anything at all for myself and have been, in essence, working an extremely tiring job 24/7. I suppose that is why I've been feeling so Zombie-ish after all. And why I've been randomly bursting into tears. And why I've been feeling less and less capable. And why I can't seem to keep up with the housework.

So I decided to actually use the day and a half or so a week I have of childcare to relax and take some time for myself. Because a mommy who does not feel good cannot be a good mommy, right?

In my newly-decided efforts to take some time for myself, I left Syd with my good friends Sarah and Rose last Sunday (Steve was away on a fishing trip) so that I could go get a mani/pedi. This whole leaving my child thing takes a lot of emotional strength. Not that I don't trust you Sarah and Rose - I know you two are perfectly capable to care for my Squid, and that you love her dearly. There's just something inside me that burns, that twitches, that does something strange and inexplicable when I'm away from her. I suppose I've gotten more used to leaving her with my MIL when I work, but I really haven't left her with anyone else besides my mom and sis a couple of times. So I was already feeling itchy (for lack of a better word), and then to make matters worse, the baby was fussing in her crib when I left. My child is the most un-cuddly baby ever made and she refuses to be rocked/cuddled to sleep, which means she usually cries herself to sleep. As painful as this is for me, I see no other solution. Anyway, when I was leaving Sarah asked if she should rock her. I promtly answered, "nope she won't let you - she'll push you away."

Within ten minutes of me leaving the house, I get a text from Sarah saying that she rocked and sang to her and that IT WORKED. She fell asleep. Wow this is great news, right?! I fell apart. Yup, I BAWLED uncontrollably at the gas station down the street. I couldn't get over the thought that there must be something wrong with me, that I must be a horrible and incapable mother if I cannot comfort my own child to sleep but another can.

Have any of you other moms had a similiar experience??

I was devastated. Then I called my sister and she talked me back down to reality (thank God for a sister who has already had two kids!!) By the time I got home, I had been convinced of the truth - that my daughter is going to act different with other people, and that she is mostly likely going to act up more for me than for other people. And that is okay, because I am a great mother who has a unique and uncomparable relationship with her child.

Wow. Do I sound like a blubbering mess? I'm happy to say that I'm at least a little closer back down to earth today, thanks to the support of an amazing husband, faithful friends, and understanding family. Mostly though, I have found an insane amount of comfort in my Jesus. Yes, He's mine :)

Talk about a crazy ride this parenting thing is...but oh so worth it. I've said it before but I'll say it again - I have NEVER known true grace like I do now. Thank you Jesus.


Here are some recent pics of Sydney I wanted to share. I hope everyone's having a great Thursday!

(Oh, one quick p.s. to this post directed to SARAH DAWN: I will not allow you to feel bad or apologize for the text that made me fall apart. There was no wrong done on your part - just insecurities on my part. Thank you for helping me to do some soul-searching. You are a wonderful Auntie to my baby girl :)


She loves carrots, and food in general...looks like booby milk may just be on it's way out the door!


Sandy came to visit - Syd loves her!


My Dashing Diva


Such a little ham!

Per Sarah, this is her "Old Man Smile"

6 comments:

  1. Emily ~ I don't think anyone can truly prepare you for being a mother, it is an emotional roller coaster that I am sure never ends. I thought I knew everything there was to know about kids until I had Jude. The first year I felt was a complete guessing game, but things became a lot easier when he starting communicating. Jude is only 19 months old so he is not exactly talking but he is able to show me what he wants. I can ask him questions and he can respond with an action. Oh and your sister is so right about children responding differently to others. Jude does it me so you are not alone. Praying for you, and I promise it will get easier.

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  2. Love her pink/black striped/polka dotted outfit. And, yes, Motherhood is stressful at tiems, but I am sure you are doing a wonderful job. P.S. Zaviera sometimes refuses to nap for me, but always sleeps for hours and hours when at my MILs while I work...

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  3. Alisha - thanks for the comment. It helps so much to know I'm not alone!!

    Julie - thanks!! (got the outfit at Baby Gap) What is with these babies??? Geeeeez!!

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  4. Oh boy. I NEVER left Jake. NEVER. It took me forever to leave him the nursery and even then, I struggled. I would go check on him over and over during the serivce and would eventually just sit in the nursery with him. HA. Now I leave him kicking and screaming, and you know what, like 30 seconds after I walk out the door he is PLAYING. Not crying, PLAYING. So basically, they know what they do to us, and they will pull all those strings until they get you. So be strong lady. You are so right, you have to think about yourself. Hang in there!!

    And little SYD is looking sooo big!!!! I love her hair! And that smile! Oh wow, she is soo adorable! I got my phone back, so I'll try to call this weekend. xoxo

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  5. Wow, its been awhile now since I've logged on here and I'm so glad to be reading your writing again! The pictures of Sydney look beyond adorable. Just seeing her happy smile makes me smile :D
    That being said, I hope you remember that you have friends ( ahem...) that love you to death and would do anything to help so take advantage and let me know when you want some 'you' time. I totally don't mind going over even if it's just so you can have an hour or two to yourself. Love you lots!!!

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  6. There's a little girl at church (Samuel's age) that totally doesn't want her Mom or Dad if anyone else is around. She'll go to anyone...any of the ladies, and of the teens or pre-teens, and even most of the men. She wants to sit with them, be held by them, etc. If her Mom or Dad tries to get her, she pushes them away and cries...ALL the time! Even when I go to their house, she wants only me and pushes her mom away. Needless to say, this bothers them alot. Of course they love her completely and know that she loves them too, but have no explanation for why she does this. It baffles me, too. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone with Syd "pushing" you away or letting someone else cuddle her. I'm not an expert enough in parenting so I don't know why some kids are like this, or if they'll grow out of it...but just keep lovin' on her and maybe she'll surprise you one day with tons of return hugs!

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