Okay Mom - I Get It

Steve and I had a great beach fishing day planned for Saturday. The baby decided to refuse to take a nap, or to eat, or to do anything else normal infants do. So I’m on a BUSY beach in Santa Cruz with my boobs hanging out, frantically trying to get her to nurse so she’ll calm her down (yes, my modesty flew right out of the window in the midst of the chaos) . Needless to say we left before we were able to catch anything.

On Sunday, we decided to take a walk on a local trail. Our child had other plans. Syd decided that she hated the jogging stroller. By hated I mean despised, loathed…the I-will-scream-so-loud-the-world-will-think-I’m-abused-if-you-put-me-in-that-thing kind of hate. Our trip was once again cut short.

For the past two weeks, Syd has woken up every two hours during the night. I am SEVERELY sleep-deprived.

…and my heart is swelling with a love beyond description for my child. It is truly indescribable. In the midst of frustration and sleepless nights, I can honestly say that I would give my right arm, or my left foot, or my life to ensure my baby’s happiness.

(Okay, I have to be honest and say that Sydney is a super good baby – not near the villain I’ve made her out to be J …but as you can see, she has her moments!!!!)

A few nights ago I found myself unable to sleep, just staring at my sleeping baby. My thoughts were consumed with my adoration for her. I thought of how much I wanted her to be happy, but how I know that I won’t always be able to make that happen for her. How will I deal with her first broken heart when she starts dating? How will I handle her struggling with life and with hard decisions? How will I even handle it when she gets the flu for the first time?

A friend of mine recently said that having a kid is like, “having your heart walking around outside of your body.” Wow is this true. Sound painful? It can be, and I know it will only get harder as mine is not even walking yet…sheesh she just barely learned to roll!! She is my priority, my focus, and yeah – my heart.

With all of this in mind, I can’t help but think of my Mom’s love for me. Wow. All this time she’s loved me this much?? I can remember times when I was small when she’d tell me I’d only understand her love for me when I had my own child. It is only now after 27 years of life that I truly understand why she has made the decisions she has made for me. It is only now that I understand the extent of her sacrifice over the years.

My Mother is the most selfless person you could ever meet. She is happy when her kids are happy, and she has done everything in her power to ensure that have had every opportunity we could have.

I’ve often wondered how you did it Mom – I’ve spent loads of time thinking about how difficult it must have been for you to raise us three kids while having a career. What about the things you wanted? Didn’t you ever just want to quit and take care of you for once? I remember trying to get you to buy something for yourself when we were little. I didn’t get it – didn’t you want things for yourself?  Why did you always insist on us getting what we wanted instead?

Okay Mom I get it. The love you have for me, and for Juli and Jesse, has surpassed every other emotion and desire you ever had. That’s how you raised us with so much love and care while dealing with the other stressors in your life.

I have not been able to shake the thought lately…my Mom loves me this much.

So Mom – thank you. I am sorry for the times I’ve taken you for granted. I am sorry for the times I’ve argued with you. I am sorry for being stubborn and inconsiderate of your feelings. I love you so much.

Loved,

Em